Dear Body, This I Promise You.

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Dear Body,

I’m sorry.

 

I’m sorry for never being a good friend.

For talking shit, being mean and never having your back.

I’m sorry for taking advantage of your kindness,

And for never appreciating one ounce of what you’ve done for me.

I’m sorry for never recognizing how important you are to me,

And for always wishing I could replace you with another body.

 

After last night, I want to change.

I will change.

This I promise you.

I’m sorry that every time I stared at your reflection in the mirror,

I filled my mind with thoughts of disgust, hate and disapproval.

I’m sorry that I would look at you,

And see every piece, part and portion that I wanted to change.

I’m sorry that I never praised you for your strengths,

And instead tormented you for things that you could not be.

 

I want to be lasting friends.

I will change.

This I promise you.

 

I’m sorry for pushing you beyond your limits,

For starving you, cutting you, prodding you and dehydrating you.

I’m sorry for stuffing you with food, only to shove my fingers down your throat,

And force you to do an innate behavior that only you know how to control.

I’m sorry for filling your cells with alcohol and smoke,

For drinking to dull the pain and to further our disconnection.

 

I want to love you.

I will change.

This I promise you.

 

I’m sorry for telling you stories, thoughts and fears,

Which aren’t true.

I’m sorry for scaring you.

For putting you in dangerous spaces where your alert is on

And you feel like you need to protect me.

 

I’m sorry for always thinking that I was better than you.

And for thinking that you weren’t good enough for me.

I’m sorry that I always threatened getting rid of you.

For killing you, and ending my own self-created misery.

 

I want to appreciate you.

I will change.

This I promise you.

 

And suddenly…I realised something.

Maybe I do love you?

 

Maybe these thoughts that I’ve carried, aren’t mine.

What if all this time, this voice has been the voice of another.

Someone close to me, who I’ve observed and learnt from.

I sit here, on the floor of my freshly cleaned apartment, after a day of scrubbing, vacuuming and dusting, and I feel anew. With my Motherpeace Tarot Cards beside me, Justin Bieber serenading and the relaxing scent of frankincense dancing in the air- I feel a lightness. As if after a week of viral symptoms, hospital visits, needle prods and pale urine- I felt ok. The virus is lifting. The poison is out. And I can breath.

I stepped out of the shower, feeling for my distinct left shoulder blade bone I love so dearly and I realised something. I had been sitting there, all week, in a viral state- wishing for transformation. Hoping that when my fever broke, and my body brightened, I would have lost the weight that I blamed for my pain. The inches on my hips. The dimples in my thighs. All of the cellular structures that gave me so much to worry about. And suddenly, I realised, they were still there, after a week of viral starvation and feverish anguish. They’re still there. This is my body. This is my life. The only thing to change is my thoughts.

Even after a Malaria and arthritis scare- I didn’t appreciate you. Even in those moments, when almost all I could think about was whether or not my fingers would feel normal again- there was that part of my mind, focused on hating you. Hoping desperately that maybe the arthritis would create weight-loss and you would change.

This isn’t mine. These thoughts, these fears, these fixations…they aren’t mine. This poison is someone else’s.

It’s time.

It’s time to allow you to remove the poison from your pours.

Time to give space for our power and our light.

Time to change the tape and switch the language- these are no longer ours to play.

In fact, they never were.

 

It’s time.

Time to breath air into my lungs and oxygen into my cells, all of them.

Time to eradicate these patterns from my lineage.

It’s time to realise that this illness is the transition.

It’s my body’s transition and my souls extraction.

 

No more anxiety.

No more hatred.

No more destruction.

 

It’s time to love.
This I promise you.

 

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